Feeling sort of Zen

Just read Terri's blog post and wow was it an eye opener!!  Her posts normally speak to me but this one really, really did.  She spoke of a trauma button, a sort of trigger that activates a past hurt and, without our even knowing what happened, we're left feeling like we were just run over by something big.

I remember feeling like that recently, several times actually in the past month, and each time it happened I was left feeling shaky and uncertain about the whole situation, yet I couldn't quite put my finger on what had happened to make me feel that way.  I'm thrilled at what this new revelation implies because now I can go back & revisit the situation and try to understand what the past hurt was and why this situation just keeps triggering it over and over again.

As Terri says at the end of her post, "i don't know why knowing what's going on changes everything.  i honestly don't get that.  but this morning, i feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.  why???  nothing's changed..... or has it?  just knowing and understanding, makes it all so much better."  She ends it by saying that if she can become aware of it earlier on, maybe it will help.  I totally agree with that!

Today I'm feeling sort of meditative, like all I have to do is ask the question and the answer slowly appears before me.  It's a strange state to be in, and the only thing I can find to describe it is this picture.  It's not that I'm sitting and meditating, it's that I feel a calmness within that reminds me of this image.  And yet, on the outside I'm a bundle of nerves.  Go figure!

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Happiness comes from within

Have you ever noticed how many truly unhappy people there are out there?  And I'm not talking about those that are poor, sick, or depressed.  I'm actually talking about most people in our society today.  All you have to do is look at how much of a consumer-based society we in the west have become and it will be abundantly clear.   

I'm not saying I'm happier than anyone else, but I work at creating happiness in my life.  I look at my actions, my thoughts, my behaviours and try to identify where they're coming from and why. 

Happiness can be found in the smallest of things:

• Savouring the breakfast you just spent half an hour preparing - how often do we spend so much time cooking and so little time enjoying the fruits of our labour?

• How beautiful music transports us - how often do we catch ourselves feeling really good when we hear a certain song or type of music?  

• Seeing the beauty of the person sitting in front of us - how often are we caught off guard by the beauty we see in the person sitting in front of us?  And sometimes it isn't even physical beauty we are seeing.

• The smell of freshly cut grass or damp earth after a rainstorm - how is it that these things have the power to grab our attention yet we rarely stop to feel the good they are doing us?

• The hug or kiss of a loved one - how often do we just "go through the motions" and not really feel the warm embrace of the people we love?

In our hurry to find that one thing that will make us truly happy, we miss out on the million different things happening to us every moment that have the potential to give us that happiness we are looking for.

Food for thought on this beautiful Sunday morning...

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Feeling connected... and grateful

How great is that moment when we realize we're not alone in the way we think or the way we feel? 

Isn't it wonderful when you find out that something you've been struggling with is shared by someone else, that you're not alone, that someone understands?  Just that knowing can make your troubles feel all of a sudden lighter.

I think it has something to do with feeling understood.  Or maybe it's just feeling connected to someone.  I don't know.  All I know is that it feels really, really good... and for that I'm truly grateful :)

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Inexplicably blue

Has this ever happened to you?

You wake up in the morning feeling inexplicably blue.  Or maybe you wake up feeling fine, but as the morning wears on a dark cloud moves in and settles itself over you.  Negative thoughts of all kinds assail you and you wish you could just close your eyes and make the world go away.  Nothing you do or read or eat helps.  It's as if you're caught under some wet blanket, shivering and cold, but can't pull it off no matter how hard you try.  And when finally you put your head down on your pillow at night, you feel so defeated that sleep seems like your only friend.  You drift off to sleep with a heavy heart wondering if this feeling will ever go away.

Then you wake up the next morning feeling totally like yourself once again, almost forgetting the previous day's heaviness.  And as your day progresses, the feelings of the day before become just a distant memory, until you're almost unsure whether it really happened or not.  You stop and reflect on this...  how could two days be so close together but so totally different they feel so far apart?  How is it possible that you could feel so low one day and have almost no memory of it the next? 

Maybe these "difficult days" are meant to teach us something.  Maybe we need to go through them to better appreciate the days when we're feeling good.  Maybe, without our even realizing it, they are making us stronger, more resilient beings, and maybe, just maybe, they are helping us grow into who we need to be.

The next time you find yourself feeling inexplicably blue, try telling yourself that this too shall pass and see what happens; after all, tomorrow is another day and, if the pattern holds, it's usually a brighter one.

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Disillusionment

A couple of months ago I wrote about how living in a dreamworld is dangerous.  You would think I'd learn.  You'd think that knowing this about myself, I'd be more careful, less trusting, less naive about people... well, think again.  I have a friend who is always worried that by wearing my heart on my sleeve so much I will inevitably get hurt.  And she's right.  I do get hurt.  But like I told her when we had this conversation, I like to think that it evens itself out.  Being the optimistic person that I am, I like to think that living with an open heart helps those around me, and that's what really matters. 

"I shall pass through this world but once.  Any good, therefore, that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now.  Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again."

This is one of my favourite quotes, one that I've tried to live by all my life and, for the most part if I live this way I am happy.  There are times, however, when I find I put too much faith in people, expect them to be as I envision them.  This is unfair, I know, but it comes with the territory when you live in a dreamworld.  And that's when hurt happens, for inevitably I see them for who they really are and it is not always as I had imagined.  This is when I struggle with my feelings, when I try not to let the disillusionment take over.  It's usually a sign that I need to take a step back and just concentrate on me for a while.  And that, too, is a good thing.  So, in the end then I guess I was right - it does even itself out.  Living open-heartedly means I do good, which usually makes me feel good but, when it doesn't, then I get to take care of myself.  So it's a win-win, right?

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Cool summer mornings

There is nothing like waking up to the birds singing, stepping outside and feeling the cool, fresh air of the morning and knowing that today will be a good day.

Whatever happened yesterday, happened and is past.

Whatever will happen tomorrow will happen, and for it I can be well prepared.

But today - today anything can happen, it is mine for the making - and that is the beauty of today!!

Welcome every morning with a smile. 

Look on the new day as another special gift from your Creator, 

another golden opportunity to complete what you were unable to finish yesterday. 

Be a self-starter. 

Let your first hour set the theme of success and positive action 

that is certain to echo through your entire day. 

Today will never happen again. 

Don't waste it with a false start or no start at all. 

You were not born to fail.

~ Og Mandino

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Is it just me?

 "Isn't it ironic, 

that we ignore the ones who adore us,
adore the ones that ignore us,
love the ones who hurt us, and
hurt the ones that love us?"

I read this quote tonight and thought long and hard about it.  It spoke to something deep inside me and I started to wonder if anyone else identifies with this like I do.  I wish I didn't.  I wish I could tell when someone is not interested in being my friend, accept it, and move on.  Or when someone just doesn't want my help, no matter how much I feel that I can help them; again, I'd like to just be able to accept it and move on, and not inevitably feel hurt or rejected.  

I guess, again, it comes back to one's sense of worthiness.  I guess someone who feels they are worthy of another's attention won't seek the attention of people who ignore them.  I guess if one feels deserving of love, they won't love someone who hurts them, but find the person who will love them back.   

But that's just me guessing... does this resonate with anyone else out there???  I sure hope it's not just me...

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Unworthy

Why is it that we are sometimes willing to accept so little, to take anything we can get, to settle?

What is it about us that makes us feel like we don't deserve to stand up and be counted?

Where did we learn that we are not worth the best, but rather should just settle for whatever we can get?

It can make a person feel so desperate, so alone.

It can also make a person feel taken for granted.  Always being the "good guy" and never complaining about being last on people's lists; yeah, it can make a person feel taken for granted.

But the question is, why do we allow it?

Why do we just take what is given to us and never say anything but thank you?  Because this feeling of unworthiness is so overpowering that it colours everything we do, that's why. 

So how do we stop this?  How do we counter this invasive feeling of unworthiness?  I read somewhere that the only way to fight it is with gratitude.  The more grateful a person is, the less unworthy they will feel.  And I guess it makes sense, but some days it's easier to feel grateful than others...

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That little voice inside

Did you ever feel like a little voice inside was trying to tell you something, but you couldn't quite put your finger on what it was?

That's how I feel today.  I feel like something is trying to get my attention, but for what purpose, I don't know.

It started mid-afternoon and it's had me in its grip ever since.

It feels like something I should know, and yet I don't.

It almost feels like someone or something is whispering, but I can't quite understand.

That little voice inside just keeps calling me...

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Birds, frogs & dragonflies

Try this... sit outside and just be.

It's summertime (at least where I am it is), and I've taken to sitting outside in the evenings and just waiting to see what happens.  Usually I'll bring a book to help me wait for something to occur.  Invariably there will be a robin, a cardinal, some chickadees, or other birds to liven up the night air.  Other times I will hear the frogs calling out to each other in a gentle serenade.  Last night I was amazed by a dragonfly who just spun round & round, back & forth and up & down, probably trolling for insects.  The sound of a jet engine broke through my reading at one point tonight and had me look up just in time to see a cloud that looked like a fire-breathing dragon.  Distant thunder chimed in, ushering in cooler air. 

It's amazing what we can experience when we just sit and watch life happen around us...

The joy of walking

Something came to me on my walk this morning: I don't walk for exercise.  I know it might be a funny thing to say, given how everywhere you hear about the importance of exercise; but really, I don't walk for exercise.  And maybe that's why I enjoy it so much.   I go out either early in the morning or in the evening after dinner to hear the birds sing, feel the breeze on my face, smell the freshness of it all, and be alone with my thoughts.  Sometimes I wish I had someone to share all this wonderfulness with; other times I am happy to just be. 

I try to take a walk every day.  The weather has been so conducive to being outside lately that I feel I just have to get out and enjoy it.  Some might say it's been too cool, but I like it this way.  Some might say it's been too rainy, but there is nothing like the sweet smell of damp earth after a rain shower.  Some might say what's so great about walking... aaaahhh, if only they knew what I know.  The sights, sounds, and smells I encounter on my walks are so powerful.  Just to hear the birds sing to their heart's content... the cheep! cheep! cheep! of the robins, the jay! jay! of the blue jays, the red-winged blackbirds calling out and answering each other, the strident call of the cardinals and so many more that just make the air vibrate.  And then there are the bunny rabbits that abound in my neighbourhood, such a sweet sight.

And when I encounter something as precious as this, how I can help but feel that all is right with the world?

Side B

Some people have a way of making me feel so incredibly special.  They have the power to make me feel really good about myself, and that's no small thing.  I think it's because they know who I am deep down inside.  No matter who it is I project to the outside world, these special people see through that - and this is the most incredible part - they actually like what they see!  These dear souls make me feel like I can do anything, because they believe in me and always have.  Just being around them or talking to them makes me feel so good about myself.  Sometimes when they talk about me I feel like who are they seeing?  But deep down I know they're seeing me, the real me, or like one of these special people said to me yesterday, my Side B (I think she meant it in a slightly different way, but this is what it meant for me).  I love that!  To me it so accurately describes that other part of me that only those very special people see; not necessarily because I don't show it to everyone, but because they know me so well they are always attuned to it.

I don't know if any of this will make sense to anyone or not but to me it's so clear; Side B is that part of me that only people in the know can see.  And Side B is the part of me I'm just getting to know... and am starting to love, thanks to these wonderful people who are my mirrors, reflecting back to me this other side that is so clear to them but hidden from me.  

Am I grateful to these oh-so-special people? Heck yeah!!  It is their belief in me that encourages my Side B to shine through... and for me there could be no greater gift ♥♥♥

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