Monday, May 30, 2011


Just feeling sad today.  For no reason, really; just am.  My hormones must really be off balance because I seem to be on higher highs and lower lows than I have been in a long while.  I know no one will read this, but it's ok.  I just need to let it out and my journal just isn't doing it for me these days.  I contemplated posting on Terri's Bone Sigh Arts forum, but then decided that that was just too much "public" for my tiny sadness.  Sometimes I feel like I just need to be heard and, even if I'm not, just putting this out there helps.  Not sure why because it makes no sense, really, why this would be of more benefit than writing in my journal.  Do I sound confused?  Yeah, I guess I am a bit. 

I realized a few things over the weekend about the people in my life and getting my needs met.  It's one of those things that I usually keep a very tight lid on.  Now I know why... because digging too deep and not being able (willing) to do anything about it just leaves me feeling drained - and sad.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe that's the cause of this heavy feeling.

It's funny, though, how I am always happy to be there for anyone anytime and I am always urging those I love to reach out to me when they're feeling blue.  However, when it's me that's feeling down I'm not so good at reaching out.  Guess I've got more work to do.

But, as they say, this too shall pass...

Friday, May 27, 2011

A Place

I have a place that I go to when the world is getting me down.

Actually, it's not just a place.  It's a place, yes, but more importantly, it's the people in the place.

I go there when I need to feel loved.  I go there when nothing makes sense - or when everything makes too much sense - and I always come away feeling calm and very, very loved.  I have been going there for years, decades even, and I never once imagined what it would be like if I couldn't go there... no, better stay away from those thoughts.  When I go there I alternately feel like a little girl (because I was a little girl when I started going there) and also very much a woman who can make her own decisions and is trusted to lead her own life.  When I go there it always feels like going home; yes, this place I go to is like my second home, even though I've never actually lived there.  When I go there I always feel welcome, and that feels so, so good.

I often wonder what I have done to deserve this enormous blessing.  Whatever it is, I am so incredibly thankful to have this place to go to... and these people to love, who love me back.

These words, from my most favourite poem by Kahlil Gibran called "Friendship", express it better than I ever could:

For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and the sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

(from The Prophet)


I don't know if everyone feels this way, but for me beautiful music has the power to turn my mood around completely.  Usually it's classical music but, depending on my mood, it could just as well be Rascal Flatts, Jonas, Sade, Uncle Kracker, Nickleback, or Shinedown.  Yes, my musical taste is very varied, and I think that is due to my oft-fluctuating mood.  Something that I've noticed, though, is that when I'm down I tend to need my music to be loud, regardless of the genre, almost as if I'm trying to purge the unwanted feelings with music.  I love it when my whole body reverberates to Shinedown's Simple Man, or how moved to tears I get when Pavarotti sings Caruso, what an awesomely pure voice that man had, what a gift to the world.

I am so grateful to have beautiful music in my life to help me get through the rough patches.  My wish is that everyone could feel what I feel when I listen to something as beautiful as this.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


Why are some days so much more difficult than others?  It's a nice sunny day, the breeze is cool, the sun is warm, no humidity, I'm on vacation... couldn't ask for better.  And yet I'm feeling lost.  I've got a million things that I could be doing, that I should be doing, but none of them appeal to me and I just can't get up the umph to do any of them.  I know I get a lot of energy from people and being home alone probably isn't the smartest thing to be doing today but, again, I just don't have the energy to see anyone.  And it's not physical energy that I'm talking about, it's emotional energy, if that makes sense.

Not going to write too much today.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better and I'll have something more uplifting to write.

PS - I debated the value of putting this out here and then decided that maybe what I need is just to be "heard."

Sunday, May 22, 2011


It has a way of making me feel incredibly lucky, incredibly lonely, incredibly high, incredibly low, and sometimes, just plain incredulous.  Some days I feel so good to be alive that I almost can't stand it.  Other days I would like to just hide and forget the world.  However, it seems, life is like that.

It is in dealing with the highs and lows of my daily life that I find my biggest struggle.  Some days I can be there for the people I love and have all the energy and focus required to sit with them through their struggles.  Other days I can't even muster the energy to be there for myself.  But it's usually on days like that that life shines a ray of light at me to remind me that I'm not alone and that, when I least expect it, someone will be there for me.

I think we can never really fully know the impact we have on people.  I've come to this conclusion because I know that the people who are there for me have no idea how much good they do for me, just by being who they are.  Sometimes all it takes is a smile, a comment, a kind word, a hug, or just their presence and I am lifted out of whatever slump I find myself in.  I now realize the importance of surrounding myself with good people.  I think if everyone realized this, the world would be a much better - and happier - place.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I am humbled, yet again, by the power of trust.  When you trust someone, you can literally put your life in their hands, put down your burdens and feel supported.  When you trust someone, you feel less alone.  When you trust someone, there is hope.

When someone trusts you, well, that is a feeling unlike any other.  That, for me, is truly humbling. To be trusted by someone very special is the best feeling in the world.

Trusting life is, however, essential.  Although it's probably one of the hardest things to do, because it means you're not trying to control everything but just trusting that what will happen will be ok, it can really change everything.  I have tried it and seriously, it is worth the effort, every last bit of it.  When you trust in the flow of life, things happen just as they're supposed to, almost as if by magic.  It's as if once you let go you allow everything to unfold but when you hold on you prevent life from moving ahead.  And I'm not just talking about holding onto the past.  When you try too hard to make things happen, they don't; but when you trust in life, that's when it all comes together.  I know it might be hard to believe if you feel like you've been let down, hurt or disappointed by life, but believe me, things are a lot easier when you put your faith in the process and flow of life.  I believe that if everyone would try it, just once, they would understand what I'm talking about.  It's so liberating and so comforting that really, it's addictive. 

If there's something I'm learning on this journey I'm on, it is to be more trusting... and that's a really good thing.

Saturday, May 14, 2011


With so much time to myself, I tend to think a lot.  Actually, I'm currently reading a book called Women Who Think Too Much, hahaha!  But that's not the thinking I'm talking about here.  It's more the reflecting, the deep thinking-with-my-heart type of thinking, the good kind.  So I've got all this time to think and reflect and often I realize things.  I've been having so many aha! moments lately that it almost feels like I'm waking up from some deep sleep.  And maybe I am; maybe I have been living half asleep up until now.

It's amazing how much stuff comes up when you just sit and let it come.  Now you'd think this might not be a good thing but, actually, for me it's been a great thing.  These days I'm filling up my gratitude journal fast and furious, and that feels really good.  I never knew I could have so much to be grateful for.

So what does all this have to do with women?  Well, today I got to thinking about just how the women in my life inspire me.  I am blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful women.  I said to a friend once that it is from the women in our lives that we get a sense of who we are, and it's so true.  It wasn't until recently that I realized just how precious the women in my life are and how grateful I am to have each and every one of them.  Whether they are near or far, whether I see them often or seldom, whether we're in touch regularly or rarely, I treasure the connection I share with these beautiful women.  Thank you all for the wonderful energy you give me :)

Friday, May 13, 2011


I used to think I'd like to work from home... not having to get up and rush out the door, being able to listen to the birds chirping all day long, looking out over my garden when I needed a break and feeling totally refreshed.  Yeah, that would be lovely.

However, on days like today I realize just how much energy I get from working closely with people.  Today my boss, who I've worked with for the past six years, retired.  I spent the week preparing his farewell presentation, putting together a photo album of memories that the whole department signed, getting everything together, even working in secret with his lovely wife, and it all turned out perfectly.  It was such a rush!  Everyone was so willing to help, so ready with the praise and the kind words, I left today feeling truly grateful that I'd had the opportunity to do this.

And that's when it hit me... I really need the energy I get from working with all those wonderful people.  Of course it's not always positive energy but, for the most part I would say I'm truly fortunate to be working with the incredible group of people who surround me every day.  I will miss my boss, of that there can be no question, but as it has many times in the past, life will definitely put new people in my path and there will be many good times to follow.  And that is something that I am truly in awe of tonight.  Life is good :)

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Living in a dreamworld is dangerous

Ok, I admit it... I'm a dreamer.  I believe that everything can be perfect, as perfect as I see it in my daydreams.  Oh I can get lost for hours, even days, in some hope or dream (otherwise known as my current obsession) and make it seem so real, so perfectly real, that I expect it to actually happen.  It feels soooo good to follow that dream up a hill, inventing scenarios, playing them out over and over in my mind, perfecting them until I know that this time it will happen!  But... and yes, there's always a but... when I get to the top of that hill and look out over *shudder* r-e-a-l-i-t-y, that's when the bubble bursts and, to borrow a phrase from a dear friend, disappointment happens. 

And that is the danger of living in a dreamworld... oh it might feel good for a while, very good even, but if I take it too far, inevitably things don't turn out like I'd "planned."

So, the question is, how do I hope and dream without getting lost in the inevitable reverie that has me crashing down into disappointment?  I would like to believe that if I want something enough and if I plan it out I can actually make it happen.  Unfortunately I think there are always more variables than those I anticipate, things outside of my control, that prevent my beautiful dreams from being anything but that - just dreams.

I wonder... all this talk about living in the moment, being mindful, and just sticking with what's happening in the present, could that ever become as enjoyable as my wonderful daydreams?  I think it might be worth a serious try... stay tuned and I'll let you know how it turns out ;)

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A Witness

How difficult it is to be a witness to someone's pain, someone's suffering, someone's struggle... especially when that someone is someone very special.

We each have our own path to follow and we can only do things in our own time; I know this, but knowing this doesn't always help.  Truly sometimes I feel helpless...

But this is when I try to take a step back.  It's not a big step, because that's very difficult, but just a tiny one.  And you know what?  That's when I see that maybe being a witness has its good side as well.  Because I'm not only a witness to the difficult parts; I'm also a witness to the goodness, and the beauty that shines out from underneath.

Yeah, now that I think about it I kinda like being a witness... it gives me an insight that I wouldn't otherwise have.  And it means that that someone who is very special has let me in close enough that I am right there if she needs me.    Being a witness is, indeed, a good thing.