When words aren't enough

Sometimes... no matter what words you use, no matter how loudly or how often you say them, words just aren't enough anymore.

Sometimes... even being there isn't enough.

Sometimes... you search and search for other ways to get through, but to no avail.

Sometimes... watching from the sidelines is just too difficult.

Sometimes... you pray that, even without words, even far away, feelings still get through.

Sometimes... you hope against hope... that some time soon... words will be enough once again.

Out of sync

There are times when I feel out of sync, like I just don't fit, like I'm from another planet even.  Nothing grabs my attention and I just can't see the point of most mundane things.  It's like the fire in me gets extinguished for just a moment then, before I know it, the fire lights back up again and everything returns to normal.  But it's in that instant (that can sometimes last for days) that I feel totally out of step with the rest of the world. 

I suppose there's something to be learned from these times... there always is, isn't there?

Unfortunately, while it's happening, even learning from it doesn't interest me.  Ok, well maybe it's life trying to tell me to slow down, take a time out, stop being so intense all the time.  Well, whatever it is, I guess the only thing I can do is let it run its course and try to keep present that it truly is only for an instant.

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Resisting change

Ever find yourself resisting change?  Trying to hang on to something you know no longer works?  Looking longingly at the past and imagining different scenarios that would take you back there and how perfect it would be?

Well I haven't... just kidding, of course I have!!  I resist change all the time.  More and more, though, I catch myself doing it and try to dig deeper to understand just why I'm so afraid of this particular change.  And you know what?  The answer usually surprises me.  

I used to say I don't like change, but the more I thought about it, the crazier that sounded.  Everything is in a constant state of change, including ourselves.  The day we stop changing is the day we will take our last breath.

So why fear change?  Why not embrace it?  Why not try to see in each change the opportunity presented to us to make it a positive change?  Oh sure, a lot of times we would not have chosen that particular change, but how often have you looked back on something you feared only to have it turn out to be one of the best things that had ever happened to you?  I'd venture to guess that this is the case more often than not.

So as of today, my new mantra... change is good.

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To a life-long teacher... and friend

Yesterday was the birthday of a very special friend.  I so wanted to write a post in her honour; but the more I tried, the less I could put words to what I was feeling.  On my walk everything seemed to whisper her name: from the bright yellow flowers that lined the path I walked down, to the crickets singing in the fields, to the cool breeze that caressed my skin.  They all reminded me of the wonderful gift having her in my life has been.  But still the words would not come.

So I had to just let it be.

Today, feeling a bit more centered, I decided to try again.  It was then that I realized that there are no words to describe what I feel in my heart for her.  She has been my life-long teacher, my inspiration, a dear, dear friend, and one of my biggest fans (!).  In short, she has made my life immeasurably better just by being who she is.  And for her I am, and will always be, truly grateful.

Happy Birthday my wonderful friend, and may you have many, many more ♥♥♥

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In our own time

I know I've said it here before - we all must go through things in our own time - and I will no doubt say it here many more times, not only because I think it bears repeating, but because I need to be reminded of it so very often.  This is one of the more difficult things I need to learn.

We all have our own lessons to learn and these we can only learn once we are ready; but how challenging it is to watch someone go through a difficult time and just let her be and trust that she will come out the other side having learned the lessons that were hers to learn. 

I guess the best we can do is stay close by, so she will feel we are there if needed, but stay far enough away that she will have the room she needs to learn and grow as a person. 

I am learning.  Slowly but surely - and in my own time - I am learning.

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So much goes unsaid

How much of what we actually think and feel ever gets said?  Very little, I think.

I admire those people who seem able to communicate how and what they're feeling to the people around them,  and seem to do it so effortlessly.

When I think of everything I'd like to say but don't (for a whole host of reasons), it amazes me to realize how much we actually just live on the surface, and don't live with our hearts.

So why do we refrain from telling people how we feel?  For fear of their reaction?  Of rejection?  I don't know.

All I know is that there are things I'd like to say but don't and I find that that somehow diminishes the relationship I have with certain people.  Yet there are times when I feel I just can't tell them what's in my heart because they just wouldn't be receptive.  And that I find very sad.

I just hope that those people who mean something to me know how special they are, how much they mean to me and how much I care about them, even if I am not able to come out and say it.

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The challenge of relationship

Relationships can be great.

However even the great ones can, at times, be a challenge.

But wait... challenging doesn't have to mean difficult, does it?  It can just mean that, sometimes, a little extra patience and understanding is required.

Unfortunately we have a tendency to want to give up when something that was previously easy all of a sudden becomes a little challenging.

But what if that is when we are given the opportunity to make it grow into something even greater than it already is?  Giving up would mean not only do we lose something that was great, we miss out on the chance to help it blossom into something truly wonderful.

Ok, so no giving up on relationships when they get a little challenging.  Instead, how about remembering what's great about them and giving them the TLC they deserve?  In the end, aren't the people in those relationships worth the effort?  Aren't we?

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Rain & the sound of my thoughts

Went for a long walk in the rain tonight.  Just needed to clear my head.  As I walked, I noticed that the raindrops hitting my umbrella seemed to echo the sound of my thoughts.  And there seemed to be as many thoughts in my head as raindrops falling from the sky.

Walking, watching my thoughts, I began to notice all kinds of feelings coming up, yet none that I could actually pinpoint.  It was as if one feeling flowed into another and they ran, like the rain down the street into the sewer, faster than I could identify them.  And so I continued, down one road and then another and another, trying to grab each feeling and hold onto it, until they finally slowed down and allowed me to catch up.

And once again, the raindrops hitting my umbrella seemed to echo the sound of my thoughts.

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A clean break

You know that little voice inside of you that keeps whispering something over and over until you finally pay attention?  Well, it's been whispering something to me more loudly these days and now it won't be ignored.

It's telling me that it's time I let go of some very unrealistic expectations I have, ones that inevitably lead to the same disappointments time after time.  So I need to make a clean break.  I must let go of that part of me that hopes against hope that maybe this time things will be different, that maybe I will finally matter.  It's time for a bit of reality and it can't but do me good.

Remember what I wrote the other day about people wanting me to remain the same?  Well, I think now it's time I be true to myself and my feelings.  Hopefully they will understand...

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Learning from our trials

Just read Terri's post called it's all in the heart and it got me thinking.

How does one go about consciously trying to learn the lesson from every trial, as we're going through it?  Surely there is a way to not let it consume us but rather to get everything we can out of it as it's happening.  Probably much easier said than done, but I think it might be worth a try.  If we can make a point of trying to see the lesson as it's being handed to us, maybe it would even make the going-through it part easier.  Yeah, concentrate more on trying to see the lesson in the hardship and less on the hardship itself.

So that's the task I've set for myself today.  When something looks bleak or like something I just don't want to be going through, I will ask myself what can I learn from this?  And then wait around to hear the answer.

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Who you want me to be

I've noticed recently that people have this idea of who I am, and they cling to that idea.

Why?

Probably because it's familiar and it's what they're comfortable with.

So when I try something new or start doing things I wouldn't normally do, they resist it.  Sometimes it bothers me; other times, when I can be objective about it, I am amazed at how most people resist change.  What amazes me even more is the fact that they don't want me to change.  I guess, when I really think about it, I can understand the reasoning behind it.  We connect to people by what we know about them and how we know them.  When they begin to change and grow, it can feel as if we're losing our connection to them.  And this can feel quite scary.  However, at least for me, when I see that that person is changing and growing, then I welcome the change.  And if it means that we will no longer fit together, then I have to be happy that they've grown as a person.  I realize that's a hard thing to do, for anyone, but if we love someone then don't we owe them that?

For now, I will try and look with curiosity upon people's need to keep seeing me as I've always been and hope that, in the end, they love me enough to accept me for who I am, no matter what that ends up being.

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