Beautiful... inside and out

When I was a little girl I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the whole wide world.

I would tell her this and she would often reply, "beauty is only skin deep," as if to say don't be fooled by appearances.  But this confused me because her beauty was so evident that even as a child I knew her to be beautiful, inside and out.

Today people still comment on her beauty, and still she doesn't see it.  Oh sure, if she looks to the past she sees it; but not now, not in the present. 

Sometimes I think about everything she's been through and how the bravery that she doesn't recognize in herself shines through for everyone to see.

It's like that with her beauty, I guess; it's obvious to everyone but her:

her smile is so radiant it lights up a room;

her laugh makes you happy, 

even when happy is the furthest thing from your mind;

and her heart is so open to those she loves

that you can't help but feel loved in her presence.

However, I think it's more - much more than all this - that makes her truly beautiful.  Although clearly visible on the outside, her real beauty comes from somewhere deep inside; where she hides it from herself but cannot hide it from others.  My wish on this very special day is for her to finally realize what those of us who love her have known all along...

When I was a little girl I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the whole wide world.  Today I know she is... because she is beautiful inside and out.

Happy birthday my beautiful friend... love you always and forever ♥♥

Always in my heart

One hundred years ago today, a very special person was born.  Her name was Noëlla and she was the tenth in a family of twelve children.  Everyone who knew her loved her.  She was quiet and unassuming, but she was an incredibly strong woman.  Her accomplishments were many.  She was a very talented, avant-garde seamstress, she learned to swim at 65 and paint at 75.  She had very delicate hands, which I loved to watch when she worked. I admired and looked up to her, and learned so much from her.  She was an incredible cook, with baking being her specialty, and I learned everything I know from her.
  
Unfortunately words cannot even come close to describing how wonderful she was.  Suffice it to say she was a very special woman, one of the most special in my life, and I miss her more than words can say.

Bonne Fête Grandmaman  ♥♥♥

Letting go

That seems to be the lesson life is trying to teach me these days.  How important - and imperative - it is to learn to let go.  Most times when I do let go and it's a good thing, it's because it happened by accident, or it was the by-product of something else I did.  Mostly, though, for me letting go is a painful process.

Intellectually I know what I must do...  so why is doing it so difficult?

Funny thing is, it's showing up all over the place, almost as if pushing me to finally learn the lesson, once and for all.

This is the nudge I got from life today:

You have great powers to change yourself.
You have little power to change others.
You struggle because you believe the opposite is true. 

I am learning that it is best to love others for who they are, and trust that what they are going through is necessary for their own personal growth - and not to stand in their way by trying to "fix" things for them.

There is something big that I really must let go of and, although it wouldn't be my choice to do so, I know it's necessary.  So before life decides to teach me a lesson I don't want to learn, I'll start by taking this lesson and making it mine.  I will let go... and see what happens.

Maybe... just maybe... all you can do is love with all you have inside of you.  And maybe that love will heal your wounds (T. St. Cloud)

Maybe...

That little girl inside

She's there, I know she is, because she comes out every once in a while and makes her presence known.

It wasn't until recently that I became conscious of her.  She would peek out every now and then but I never really payed much attention before.  It started out as a feeling, a longing, that happened at particular times and would leave me feeling melancholic mostly.  Other times I would feel almost giddy with happiness.  These feelings would come on suddenly and quite powerfully, but I never really stopped to question what they were or where they were coming from.

The more I pay attention and the more familiar I become with her, the more I realize that it is in certain circumstances and with one person in particular that she shows herself the most.  And now that I think about it, this person that brings her out in me - my second Mom - always has.  She has always allowed me to be me and only now, when I can let that little girl inside roam free, do I realize what a gift that is.

I would venture to guess that most people do not dare give their inner child free rein; but it is such a liberating feeling that I would recommend it to anyone.  It's not that I do it much, or often, but when I do it's magical, and I am so very grateful to my second Mom for giving me this very special gift.

I love you, Mom2... and so does your little girl ❥❥❥

Love the ones you're with

This is a plea from me to you... cherish the time you spend with those you love.

Yesterday, as I was getting ready to go to my Mom's for a Thanksgiving lunch she was having for my Aunt and me (yes, I know it's American Thanksgiving and that ours was last month, but it's ok to give thanks any time, isn't it?)... as I was saying, while getting ready to leave something occurred to me: I really take all this for granted.  It didn't seem like such a big deal to me, spending Saturday afternoon with my Mom and my Aunt; it didn't, that is, until it hit me that there may just be more times spent with them behind me than those still to happen.

As we sat at the kitchen table, long after lunch was over, I consciously immersed myself in the moment.  I listened to the intonation in my Aunt's voice, saying things the way only she can say them; I noticed the expressions they used, things I remembered hearing their aunts & uncles say; I watched the charming way my Mom sometimes covers her mouth when she laughs, which reminds me so much of my beloved Grandmother; and I held in my heart the obvious love passing between the three of us.  It didn't matter what time it was, we just talked and talked as if that was all there was to do, and it was so wonderful.  I came away from there feeling whole and refreshed, and realizing that I had once again learned things about my family that I had never known (like the fact that my Grandfather's favourite saint was St-Francis of Assisi, who has also always been my favourite saint!)

It is so easy to take these wonderful moments together for granted and expect that they will always happen.  People who have been in our lives forever - family members, dear, close friends - are the people we most need to be consciously thankful for because they are the ones who have helped shape us into who we are.  And they are the people we will miss the most once they're gone.

It is so important to realize that time spent with loved ones is precious and that we should cherish every moment we spend together. 

Small victories

Sometimes in life you've got to grab hold of and hang onto those small victories.

It's not easy when doubt is always trying to come and snatch them away, minimize them, or make them seem unimportant.

However, those small victories may just prove, in the long run, to be turning points - or even big victories - when we look back on them.

It's easy to get caught up in the doubt that makes those small victories seem smaller and smaller until soon enough they seem almost insignificant.  But it is oh so important to cherish them as these small victories are what help us move forward.

And it's not just our own small victories that we must celebrate.  We must help others recognize and celebrate their own small victories.

So this week, no matter what's going on in your life, take a second look at recent small victories, yours and those of people close to you, and celebrate them.  You'll feel better for it, guaranteed ❥❥❥

Sacred Sundays

Sundays can sometimes be difficult days for me.

Oh they start out well enough: a good breakfast lovingly prepared for me by me, classical music wafting through the house, freshly brewed coffee savoured slowly, a good book or a long walk outside.  However, as the day wears on I feel the heaviness of the chores weighing on me, the quiet house gets quieter, and with every passing hour I feel more and more isolated.  If I give into the mood that usually accompanies all of this, I don't accomplish much and end the day feeling anxious.

However on days like today, knowing full well how things can go, if I make up my mind that it will be a good day and not stress about what needs to be done but rather just go with the flow of the day and feel good about it, at the end of the day I feel good about myself and my Sunday feels almost sacred.

That's what happened today.  I woke up feeling good and decided that that would be the prevailing mood of my day; and I knew just what I needed to do to ensure that this would be so.  First I let my creativity loose and took some pictures of the autumn leaves in my yard.  Then, this afternoon I went to visit someone very special, someone who has been in my life forever and who means the world to me.  I knew that sitting with her and feeling her love would do me the world of good.  And indeed it did ♥ I left there feeling content and knew the rest of my day would be good.

Life is really what we make it... and Sundays can be sacred if we allow them to be.
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Such an inspiration

Sometimes, when I feel like I'm drowning, I'll flail about trying to grasp any little bit of sanity and encouragement I can find.  Sometimes I find it, sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I'm lucky enough to find it right here, inside of me.  Other times I am lifted up by people around me who, not even knowing how I'm feeling inside, say or do something that makes me feel good, and sometimes that's all it takes.

We place such importance on stuff outside of our reach and it's silly, really, because our greatest happiness cannot be found on the outside.  It's in those tiny little moments, the ones that make our hearts smile, that the real gold can be found.  Yet we insist on searching high and low for that one thing that will make us truly happy.  We forget that if we're not paying attention to those moments, if we don't remember them and cherish them, we can never truly be happy - because those moments are all we have.  I'm not advocating living in the past; I'm saying we need to learn to appreciate them as they're happening, and know that they are what happiness is really all about. 

I've said it here before, and I'll no doubt say it many more times before I'm through, Terri St. Cloud really inspires me; she really seems to have this all figured out.  When you read her blog - honour yourself - you'll understand why.  I just read her post from yesterday called "Bucket Lists..." and that's when it all hit me - it's the moments and only the moments that count; the rest is just noise.  So lets cherish those moments...

Happiness is not a destination; happiness is the journey.
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The smell of fabric softener

Ever have this experience:

You're out for a walk, you're enjoying the evening air, listening to the birds chirping their last calls of the day, watching the children out playing happily in the street, feeling so good in the present moment.  Then, out of nowhere, a smell comes and hijacks you and takes you back to another place in time.  All of a sudden you're not on your walk but in some special place in your past.  You feel different, everything even looks different.  You're bombarded with happy memories, see people you love, it all becomes so clear you feel like you're actually there.  That one smell had the power to take you back in time.

This happens to me a lot, usually when I'm taking a walk in my neighbourhood after dinner.  And the smell that really holds this power for me is the smell of fabric softener.  What's funny is that it's not one particular brand like Downy or Snuggle, it's any fabric softener.  Now, growing up I don't remember my family using fabric softener; maybe we did, maybe we didn't, but it doesn't stick in my mind either way.  No, fabric softener was used in another house I grew up in, another place I felt loved and comforted every time I entered.  The smell of fabric softener, for me, will always be linked to this house and bring back so many happy memories of times spent in the company of the people who lived in it. 

To this day, the house still smells of fabric softener, and going there still makes me happy ♥♥

She

She inspires me.

She impresses me.

She makes me laugh, every time we speak.

She is a happy, upbeat, positive person.

She is cute; everyone who meets her says so.

She is kind, caring, and sensitive.

She is always there for me, no matter what.

She is my biggest fan.

She has made me who I am today.

She is my MOM and I love her more with every passing day.

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Giving thanks

This weekend we celebrate Thanksgiving here in Canada.  It seems to me that each year the idea of giving thanks becomes more and more important to me.  I give thanks for all the blessings in my life on a daily basis, but somehow that doesn't seem like quite enough.  It always seems to fall far short of what I need to give thanks for.  I am incredibly blessed, incredibly fortunate, and I don't know how to put into words how grateful I am for everything that life keeps sending my way.

Do I always feel this way?  No, some days I can't find anything to be thankful for; but that doesn't mean that I don't have a ton of things to be grateful for, even on my worst days.  On good days, however, I am astounded by just how much I have to be grateful for.  

So this weekend will be about holding close all my blessings and trying to find a way to give thanks, a way that will live up to all the wonderful people, situations, and experiences life has put in my path. 

Hiding out from life

Ever get the feeling you'd like to just hide out for a while and hope life doesn't find you?

That's what I've been trying to do for the last little bit.  But it hasn't worked.

There's always someone or something trying to pull me from my hiding place.

When I want to just pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep, someone coaxes me out.

When I want to just sit here and feel sorry for myself, someone smiles at me and inevitably makes me feel better.

When I'm feeling invisible, the little girl next door shouts hello as I drive by.

I guess it's just not possible to hide out from life, because life always has a way of finding you.

And, ultimately, that's a really good thing.

What doesn't kill you, just makes you stronger

How many times have I heard that one? 

Is it true?  Is it really, really true?  I'd like to know. 

And to make you stronger, does it have to feel like it's going to kill you first? 

And how much stronger does it really make you? 

Because there are times when it really feels like I won't survive,
but how soon after should I start to feel stronger??? 

I really need to know.

Remembering the unthinkable

It's been ten years since the unthinkable happened.  I've not wanted to review it, remember it, even think about it... until today.  Today it was necessary.  Today was a day for prayers, for tears, and for closure.  For many people.

Do you remember where you were ten years ago today?  I do. 

I remember thinking, when I heard people ask that about the day John F. Kennedy was killed, what's that like?  Now I know.  I could never understand why it would be important to remember where you were during an event like that.  Now I do.  An event like that changes you.  It steals away part of your innocence.  And not in an immediately noticeable way, either.  Ten years later, however, it is very noticeable.  

They say that 20,000 people were saved on that day... we forget that when all we hear about are the 3,000 that perished.  I'm not saying we should forget those that died; I'm saying it is important to remember the good that was done on that day, not just the bad.

And so on this the tenth anniversary of the day the unthinkable happened, I say we try and look at the ways in which our world has changed for the better; because in many ways, it has.

Words

Words hold such power.

They have the power to heal, they have the power to give hope, they have the power to comfort, they have the power to thrill.

Yet, they also have the power to hurt deeply.  Whether it is intentional or not, sometimes words can really hurt.  Sometimes they cut so deeply that they leave me speechless...

When I speak do you hear me?

When I speak, do you hear me?  Do you hear what I am not saying?
... because it comes through loud and clear from you.

When I smile, can you feel my warmth?
... because I can feel it from you.

When I am sad, do you feel my pain?
... because I do ache for you.

When you read what I've written, does it feel like I am writing to you?
... because it is for you that I do.

When we're apart, do you miss me?
 ... because I do miss you.

I like to think that you do, because that would mean that I also matter... to you.

On turning one hundred

This year both my maternal grandparents, had they lived that long, would have turned one hundred.  I loved them both dearly and miss them both very much.  I lost my grandfather when I was just four and my grandmother when I was in my twenties; both too soon in my opinion.

Today would have been my grandfather's birthday.  I remember quite a bit about him, considering I was only four when he died.  He was a joyful, loving man who would take me down to the corner store whenever we visited to buy me a little bag filled with the candies of my choice.   I remember he used to smoke cigars and watch Hockey Night in Canada (or La Soirée du Hockey, as he knew it) and, to this day, the smell of cigar smoke and the sound of the (old) theme song of Saturday night hockey evoke his presence for me.  I have a tape recording of part of a family gathering that features his very joyful voice.  I doubt very much that without it I would remember what he sounded like, but that recording, too, has the power to bring him back to me when I listen to it.

So on this your hundredth birthday, to you Grandpapa I want to say bonne fête and, nous ne t'oublierons jamais...  we will never forget you.

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When words aren't enough

Sometimes... no matter what words you use, no matter how loudly or how often you say them, words just aren't enough anymore.

Sometimes... even being there isn't enough.

Sometimes... you search and search for other ways to get through, but to no avail.

Sometimes... watching from the sidelines is just too difficult.

Sometimes... you pray that, even without words, even far away, feelings still get through.

Sometimes... you hope against hope... that some time soon... words will be enough once again.

Out of sync

There are times when I feel out of sync, like I just don't fit, like I'm from another planet even.  Nothing grabs my attention and I just can't see the point of most mundane things.  It's like the fire in me gets extinguished for just a moment then, before I know it, the fire lights back up again and everything returns to normal.  But it's in that instant (that can sometimes last for days) that I feel totally out of step with the rest of the world. 

I suppose there's something to be learned from these times... there always is, isn't there?

Unfortunately, while it's happening, even learning from it doesn't interest me.  Ok, well maybe it's life trying to tell me to slow down, take a time out, stop being so intense all the time.  Well, whatever it is, I guess the only thing I can do is let it run its course and try to keep present that it truly is only for an instant.

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Resisting change

Ever find yourself resisting change?  Trying to hang on to something you know no longer works?  Looking longingly at the past and imagining different scenarios that would take you back there and how perfect it would be?

Well I haven't... just kidding, of course I have!!  I resist change all the time.  More and more, though, I catch myself doing it and try to dig deeper to understand just why I'm so afraid of this particular change.  And you know what?  The answer usually surprises me.  

I used to say I don't like change, but the more I thought about it, the crazier that sounded.  Everything is in a constant state of change, including ourselves.  The day we stop changing is the day we will take our last breath.

So why fear change?  Why not embrace it?  Why not try to see in each change the opportunity presented to us to make it a positive change?  Oh sure, a lot of times we would not have chosen that particular change, but how often have you looked back on something you feared only to have it turn out to be one of the best things that had ever happened to you?  I'd venture to guess that this is the case more often than not.

So as of today, my new mantra... change is good.

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To a life-long teacher... and friend

Yesterday was the birthday of a very special friend.  I so wanted to write a post in her honour; but the more I tried, the less I could put words to what I was feeling.  On my walk everything seemed to whisper her name: from the bright yellow flowers that lined the path I walked down, to the crickets singing in the fields, to the cool breeze that caressed my skin.  They all reminded me of the wonderful gift having her in my life has been.  But still the words would not come.

So I had to just let it be.

Today, feeling a bit more centered, I decided to try again.  It was then that I realized that there are no words to describe what I feel in my heart for her.  She has been my life-long teacher, my inspiration, a dear, dear friend, and one of my biggest fans (!).  In short, she has made my life immeasurably better just by being who she is.  And for her I am, and will always be, truly grateful.

Happy Birthday my wonderful friend, and may you have many, many more ♥♥♥

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In our own time

I know I've said it here before - we all must go through things in our own time - and I will no doubt say it here many more times, not only because I think it bears repeating, but because I need to be reminded of it so very often.  This is one of the more difficult things I need to learn.

We all have our own lessons to learn and these we can only learn once we are ready; but how challenging it is to watch someone go through a difficult time and just let her be and trust that she will come out the other side having learned the lessons that were hers to learn. 

I guess the best we can do is stay close by, so she will feel we are there if needed, but stay far enough away that she will have the room she needs to learn and grow as a person. 

I am learning.  Slowly but surely - and in my own time - I am learning.

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So much goes unsaid

How much of what we actually think and feel ever gets said?  Very little, I think.

I admire those people who seem able to communicate how and what they're feeling to the people around them,  and seem to do it so effortlessly.

When I think of everything I'd like to say but don't (for a whole host of reasons), it amazes me to realize how much we actually just live on the surface, and don't live with our hearts.

So why do we refrain from telling people how we feel?  For fear of their reaction?  Of rejection?  I don't know.

All I know is that there are things I'd like to say but don't and I find that that somehow diminishes the relationship I have with certain people.  Yet there are times when I feel I just can't tell them what's in my heart because they just wouldn't be receptive.  And that I find very sad.

I just hope that those people who mean something to me know how special they are, how much they mean to me and how much I care about them, even if I am not able to come out and say it.

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The challenge of relationship

Relationships can be great.

However even the great ones can, at times, be a challenge.

But wait... challenging doesn't have to mean difficult, does it?  It can just mean that, sometimes, a little extra patience and understanding is required.

Unfortunately we have a tendency to want to give up when something that was previously easy all of a sudden becomes a little challenging.

But what if that is when we are given the opportunity to make it grow into something even greater than it already is?  Giving up would mean not only do we lose something that was great, we miss out on the chance to help it blossom into something truly wonderful.

Ok, so no giving up on relationships when they get a little challenging.  Instead, how about remembering what's great about them and giving them the TLC they deserve?  In the end, aren't the people in those relationships worth the effort?  Aren't we?

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Rain & the sound of my thoughts

Went for a long walk in the rain tonight.  Just needed to clear my head.  As I walked, I noticed that the raindrops hitting my umbrella seemed to echo the sound of my thoughts.  And there seemed to be as many thoughts in my head as raindrops falling from the sky.

Walking, watching my thoughts, I began to notice all kinds of feelings coming up, yet none that I could actually pinpoint.  It was as if one feeling flowed into another and they ran, like the rain down the street into the sewer, faster than I could identify them.  And so I continued, down one road and then another and another, trying to grab each feeling and hold onto it, until they finally slowed down and allowed me to catch up.

And once again, the raindrops hitting my umbrella seemed to echo the sound of my thoughts.

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A clean break

You know that little voice inside of you that keeps whispering something over and over until you finally pay attention?  Well, it's been whispering something to me more loudly these days and now it won't be ignored.

It's telling me that it's time I let go of some very unrealistic expectations I have, ones that inevitably lead to the same disappointments time after time.  So I need to make a clean break.  I must let go of that part of me that hopes against hope that maybe this time things will be different, that maybe I will finally matter.  It's time for a bit of reality and it can't but do me good.

Remember what I wrote the other day about people wanting me to remain the same?  Well, I think now it's time I be true to myself and my feelings.  Hopefully they will understand...

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Learning from our trials

Just read Terri's post called it's all in the heart and it got me thinking.

How does one go about consciously trying to learn the lesson from every trial, as we're going through it?  Surely there is a way to not let it consume us but rather to get everything we can out of it as it's happening.  Probably much easier said than done, but I think it might be worth a try.  If we can make a point of trying to see the lesson as it's being handed to us, maybe it would even make the going-through it part easier.  Yeah, concentrate more on trying to see the lesson in the hardship and less on the hardship itself.

So that's the task I've set for myself today.  When something looks bleak or like something I just don't want to be going through, I will ask myself what can I learn from this?  And then wait around to hear the answer.

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Who you want me to be

I've noticed recently that people have this idea of who I am, and they cling to that idea.

Why?

Probably because it's familiar and it's what they're comfortable with.

So when I try something new or start doing things I wouldn't normally do, they resist it.  Sometimes it bothers me; other times, when I can be objective about it, I am amazed at how most people resist change.  What amazes me even more is the fact that they don't want me to change.  I guess, when I really think about it, I can understand the reasoning behind it.  We connect to people by what we know about them and how we know them.  When they begin to change and grow, it can feel as if we're losing our connection to them.  And this can feel quite scary.  However, at least for me, when I see that that person is changing and growing, then I welcome the change.  And if it means that we will no longer fit together, then I have to be happy that they've grown as a person.  I realize that's a hard thing to do, for anyone, but if we love someone then don't we owe them that?

For now, I will try and look with curiosity upon people's need to keep seeing me as I've always been and hope that, in the end, they love me enough to accept me for who I am, no matter what that ends up being.

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Feeling sort of Zen

Just read Terri's blog post and wow was it an eye opener!!  Her posts normally speak to me but this one really, really did.  She spoke of a trauma button, a sort of trigger that activates a past hurt and, without our even knowing what happened, we're left feeling like we were just run over by something big.

I remember feeling like that recently, several times actually in the past month, and each time it happened I was left feeling shaky and uncertain about the whole situation, yet I couldn't quite put my finger on what had happened to make me feel that way.  I'm thrilled at what this new revelation implies because now I can go back & revisit the situation and try to understand what the past hurt was and why this situation just keeps triggering it over and over again.

As Terri says at the end of her post, "i don't know why knowing what's going on changes everything.  i honestly don't get that.  but this morning, i feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.  why???  nothing's changed..... or has it?  just knowing and understanding, makes it all so much better."  She ends it by saying that if she can become aware of it earlier on, maybe it will help.  I totally agree with that!

Today I'm feeling sort of meditative, like all I have to do is ask the question and the answer slowly appears before me.  It's a strange state to be in, and the only thing I can find to describe it is this picture.  It's not that I'm sitting and meditating, it's that I feel a calmness within that reminds me of this image.  And yet, on the outside I'm a bundle of nerves.  Go figure!

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Happiness comes from within

Have you ever noticed how many truly unhappy people there are out there?  And I'm not talking about those that are poor, sick, or depressed.  I'm actually talking about most people in our society today.  All you have to do is look at how much of a consumer-based society we in the west have become and it will be abundantly clear.   

I'm not saying I'm happier than anyone else, but I work at creating happiness in my life.  I look at my actions, my thoughts, my behaviours and try to identify where they're coming from and why. 

Happiness can be found in the smallest of things:

• Savouring the breakfast you just spent half an hour preparing - how often do we spend so much time cooking and so little time enjoying the fruits of our labour?

• How beautiful music transports us - how often do we catch ourselves feeling really good when we hear a certain song or type of music?  

• Seeing the beauty of the person sitting in front of us - how often are we caught off guard by the beauty we see in the person sitting in front of us?  And sometimes it isn't even physical beauty we are seeing.

• The smell of freshly cut grass or damp earth after a rainstorm - how is it that these things have the power to grab our attention yet we rarely stop to feel the good they are doing us?

• The hug or kiss of a loved one - how often do we just "go through the motions" and not really feel the warm embrace of the people we love?

In our hurry to find that one thing that will make us truly happy, we miss out on the million different things happening to us every moment that have the potential to give us that happiness we are looking for.

Food for thought on this beautiful Sunday morning...

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Feeling connected... and grateful

How great is that moment when we realize we're not alone in the way we think or the way we feel? 

Isn't it wonderful when you find out that something you've been struggling with is shared by someone else, that you're not alone, that someone understands?  Just that knowing can make your troubles feel all of a sudden lighter.

I think it has something to do with feeling understood.  Or maybe it's just feeling connected to someone.  I don't know.  All I know is that it feels really, really good... and for that I'm truly grateful :)

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Inexplicably blue

Has this ever happened to you?

You wake up in the morning feeling inexplicably blue.  Or maybe you wake up feeling fine, but as the morning wears on a dark cloud moves in and settles itself over you.  Negative thoughts of all kinds assail you and you wish you could just close your eyes and make the world go away.  Nothing you do or read or eat helps.  It's as if you're caught under some wet blanket, shivering and cold, but can't pull it off no matter how hard you try.  And when finally you put your head down on your pillow at night, you feel so defeated that sleep seems like your only friend.  You drift off to sleep with a heavy heart wondering if this feeling will ever go away.

Then you wake up the next morning feeling totally like yourself once again, almost forgetting the previous day's heaviness.  And as your day progresses, the feelings of the day before become just a distant memory, until you're almost unsure whether it really happened or not.  You stop and reflect on this...  how could two days be so close together but so totally different they feel so far apart?  How is it possible that you could feel so low one day and have almost no memory of it the next? 

Maybe these "difficult days" are meant to teach us something.  Maybe we need to go through them to better appreciate the days when we're feeling good.  Maybe, without our even realizing it, they are making us stronger, more resilient beings, and maybe, just maybe, they are helping us grow into who we need to be.

The next time you find yourself feeling inexplicably blue, try telling yourself that this too shall pass and see what happens; after all, tomorrow is another day and, if the pattern holds, it's usually a brighter one.

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Disillusionment

A couple of months ago I wrote about how living in a dreamworld is dangerous.  You would think I'd learn.  You'd think that knowing this about myself, I'd be more careful, less trusting, less naive about people... well, think again.  I have a friend who is always worried that by wearing my heart on my sleeve so much I will inevitably get hurt.  And she's right.  I do get hurt.  But like I told her when we had this conversation, I like to think that it evens itself out.  Being the optimistic person that I am, I like to think that living with an open heart helps those around me, and that's what really matters. 

"I shall pass through this world but once.  Any good, therefore, that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now.  Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again."

This is one of my favourite quotes, one that I've tried to live by all my life and, for the most part if I live this way I am happy.  There are times, however, when I find I put too much faith in people, expect them to be as I envision them.  This is unfair, I know, but it comes with the territory when you live in a dreamworld.  And that's when hurt happens, for inevitably I see them for who they really are and it is not always as I had imagined.  This is when I struggle with my feelings, when I try not to let the disillusionment take over.  It's usually a sign that I need to take a step back and just concentrate on me for a while.  And that, too, is a good thing.  So, in the end then I guess I was right - it does even itself out.  Living open-heartedly means I do good, which usually makes me feel good but, when it doesn't, then I get to take care of myself.  So it's a win-win, right?

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Cool summer mornings

There is nothing like waking up to the birds singing, stepping outside and feeling the cool, fresh air of the morning and knowing that today will be a good day.

Whatever happened yesterday, happened and is past.

Whatever will happen tomorrow will happen, and for it I can be well prepared.

But today - today anything can happen, it is mine for the making - and that is the beauty of today!!

Welcome every morning with a smile. 

Look on the new day as another special gift from your Creator, 

another golden opportunity to complete what you were unable to finish yesterday. 

Be a self-starter. 

Let your first hour set the theme of success and positive action 

that is certain to echo through your entire day. 

Today will never happen again. 

Don't waste it with a false start or no start at all. 

You were not born to fail.

~ Og Mandino

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Is it just me?

 "Isn't it ironic, 

that we ignore the ones who adore us,
adore the ones that ignore us,
love the ones who hurt us, and
hurt the ones that love us?"

I read this quote tonight and thought long and hard about it.  It spoke to something deep inside me and I started to wonder if anyone else identifies with this like I do.  I wish I didn't.  I wish I could tell when someone is not interested in being my friend, accept it, and move on.  Or when someone just doesn't want my help, no matter how much I feel that I can help them; again, I'd like to just be able to accept it and move on, and not inevitably feel hurt or rejected.  

I guess, again, it comes back to one's sense of worthiness.  I guess someone who feels they are worthy of another's attention won't seek the attention of people who ignore them.  I guess if one feels deserving of love, they won't love someone who hurts them, but find the person who will love them back.   

But that's just me guessing... does this resonate with anyone else out there???  I sure hope it's not just me...

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Unworthy

Why is it that we are sometimes willing to accept so little, to take anything we can get, to settle?

What is it about us that makes us feel like we don't deserve to stand up and be counted?

Where did we learn that we are not worth the best, but rather should just settle for whatever we can get?

It can make a person feel so desperate, so alone.

It can also make a person feel taken for granted.  Always being the "good guy" and never complaining about being last on people's lists; yeah, it can make a person feel taken for granted.

But the question is, why do we allow it?

Why do we just take what is given to us and never say anything but thank you?  Because this feeling of unworthiness is so overpowering that it colours everything we do, that's why. 

So how do we stop this?  How do we counter this invasive feeling of unworthiness?  I read somewhere that the only way to fight it is with gratitude.  The more grateful a person is, the less unworthy they will feel.  And I guess it makes sense, but some days it's easier to feel grateful than others...

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That little voice inside

Did you ever feel like a little voice inside was trying to tell you something, but you couldn't quite put your finger on what it was?

That's how I feel today.  I feel like something is trying to get my attention, but for what purpose, I don't know.

It started mid-afternoon and it's had me in its grip ever since.

It feels like something I should know, and yet I don't.

It almost feels like someone or something is whispering, but I can't quite understand.

That little voice inside just keeps calling me...

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Birds, frogs & dragonflies

Try this... sit outside and just be.

It's summertime (at least where I am it is), and I've taken to sitting outside in the evenings and just waiting to see what happens.  Usually I'll bring a book to help me wait for something to occur.  Invariably there will be a robin, a cardinal, some chickadees, or other birds to liven up the night air.  Other times I will hear the frogs calling out to each other in a gentle serenade.  Last night I was amazed by a dragonfly who just spun round & round, back & forth and up & down, probably trolling for insects.  The sound of a jet engine broke through my reading at one point tonight and had me look up just in time to see a cloud that looked like a fire-breathing dragon.  Distant thunder chimed in, ushering in cooler air. 

It's amazing what we can experience when we just sit and watch life happen around us...

The joy of walking

Something came to me on my walk this morning: I don't walk for exercise.  I know it might be a funny thing to say, given how everywhere you hear about the importance of exercise; but really, I don't walk for exercise.  And maybe that's why I enjoy it so much.   I go out either early in the morning or in the evening after dinner to hear the birds sing, feel the breeze on my face, smell the freshness of it all, and be alone with my thoughts.  Sometimes I wish I had someone to share all this wonderfulness with; other times I am happy to just be. 

I try to take a walk every day.  The weather has been so conducive to being outside lately that I feel I just have to get out and enjoy it.  Some might say it's been too cool, but I like it this way.  Some might say it's been too rainy, but there is nothing like the sweet smell of damp earth after a rain shower.  Some might say what's so great about walking... aaaahhh, if only they knew what I know.  The sights, sounds, and smells I encounter on my walks are so powerful.  Just to hear the birds sing to their heart's content... the cheep! cheep! cheep! of the robins, the jay! jay! of the blue jays, the red-winged blackbirds calling out and answering each other, the strident call of the cardinals and so many more that just make the air vibrate.  And then there are the bunny rabbits that abound in my neighbourhood, such a sweet sight.

And when I encounter something as precious as this, how I can help but feel that all is right with the world?

Side B

Some people have a way of making me feel so incredibly special.  They have the power to make me feel really good about myself, and that's no small thing.  I think it's because they know who I am deep down inside.  No matter who it is I project to the outside world, these special people see through that - and this is the most incredible part - they actually like what they see!  These dear souls make me feel like I can do anything, because they believe in me and always have.  Just being around them or talking to them makes me feel so good about myself.  Sometimes when they talk about me I feel like who are they seeing?  But deep down I know they're seeing me, the real me, or like one of these special people said to me yesterday, my Side B (I think she meant it in a slightly different way, but this is what it meant for me).  I love that!  To me it so accurately describes that other part of me that only those very special people see; not necessarily because I don't show it to everyone, but because they know me so well they are always attuned to it.

I don't know if any of this will make sense to anyone or not but to me it's so clear; Side B is that part of me that only people in the know can see.  And Side B is the part of me I'm just getting to know... and am starting to love, thanks to these wonderful people who are my mirrors, reflecting back to me this other side that is so clear to them but hidden from me.  

Am I grateful to these oh-so-special people? Heck yeah!!  It is their belief in me that encourages my Side B to shine through... and for me there could be no greater gift ♥♥♥

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The Power of Partners

Anyone in a serious relationship knows, it's not always an easy ride.  And sometimes it can be downright difficult.  However, what I've found in taking a step back, is that being in this relationship is part of what makes me whole.  The English expression, "my better half" has a Spanish equivalent, "mi media naranja" literally my half-orange, which, some say, comes from Plato's story about soul-mates in The Symposium.  The story goes that "humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them."*

The most beautiful description I've ever read of a soul-mate, and the one that resonates most profoundly with me, is from the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert., and it says, "People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.  A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake."  Those of us who are fortunate enough to have met our soul-mates know that this is true, and that's why living with our soul-mates can at times be so difficult... but ultimately so rewarding.  

Just as I realized recently how very important the women in my life are, I've also realized how empowered I am by my relationship with my spouse.  The intimacy we share, whether we're side-by-side or oceans apart, is something I need to be me.  I find it very comforting that we share this kind of intimacy.  A dear friend once told me that we can be who we need to be because we know that they are there to support us, to love us, and to share with us parts of ourselves that no one else knows.  And I couldn't agree more.

*from the Wikipedia entry for soul-mates.
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Yoga in the Park

It was something I'd only ever heard about... until tonight.  My friend Ariane had given the class last week in a park nearby and, although she's an amazing teacher and I was dying to attend one of her classes again, I thought I was not in the right mood, so I didn't go :(  Probably would have done me the world of good though...

So I'd been looking forward to tonight's class all week.  I told myself that no matter what mood I was in and who was giving the class, I just had to go.  It's a free class put on by our local Lululemon and given by a different yoga teacher each week.  The thought of doing yoga outside in the fresh air really appealed to me, so when they said there'd be showers tonight I refused to believe it.  I didn't believe that it could be nice all day when we were cooped up inside and then rain just when we could go out and have some fun.  So after dinner I ignored the weather forecast, grabbed my yoga mat, and went out to the park.  Although there were only a couple of people when I arrived, the spot they had chosen in the park filled up quickly and, in the end, I'd say we were about 30 or so people.  The wind had picked up, the sky was grey and overcast, and the temperature had gone down a few degrees.  Sitting there on my mat I thought I should have brought my jacket.  The session, however, started off quickly and within a few minutes I'd completely forgotten about wanting a jacket.  The teacher led us almost effortlessly through a series of postures, holding some, flowing through others, and the hour passed by entirely too quickly. 

It was an incredible experience and one I was very glad to have ignored the weather forecast for.  In the end, the temperature was just perfect, not too hot, not too cool, just enough breeze to keep the mosquitoes at bay and the rain held off until I got home!  What an amazing evening!!

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When time stands still

It happens when you least expect it. It's not something you can go looking for, it's not something you can even make happen, but when it happens, it can totally knock you off your feet.

Last night I attended an end-of-year party for a group I used to belong to years and years ago.  It was a chance to see some dear old friends again and find out how they've been doing.  They were such a big and important part of my life at one time, it's incredible that so many years have passed since I last had a chance to catch up with them.  When I walked in and was immediately surrounded by them all (no one knew I was coming) it was then that time stood still for me.  Just like that I was transported back to when I was sixteen, just a kid, and had all these wonderful people around me, loving me.  They kept telling me how I hadn't changed when, in fact, it was them that hadn't changed!  I remembered all the good times we had shared, the memories flooding back and choking me up.  It was pure magic.

I think I have always been surrounded by wonderful people, but only now am I realizing what a gift that really is.  I am so totally grateful for each and every one of them - whether they're near or far, whether I see them seldom or often - they all mean the world to me.

Don't you love it when time stands still?  I do!  It makes me realize what a gift this life really is...

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A sea of happiness

This week I have been witness to a veritable sea of happiness...  my friend Terri got engaged and when I heard the news my heart just jumped for joy!!  Terri is an incredibly loving, giving, honest (did I say loving?) person, who deserves nothing but love and happiness for all that she gives out.  And so when she announced to the world (the Facebook world) that she had just gotten engaged, the comments exploded!!  Fast and furious the congratulations came, each one more overflowing with love than the one before, everyone tripping over themselves to wish her all the happiness in the world.

So what does all this say?  That she has a lot of Facebook friends?  That people are starved for good news?  Actually, no.  This speaks volumes about the wonderful person that Terri St. Cloud is.  I "met" Terri a few short months ago, through Brené Brown (author of The Gifts of Imperfection) when she posted one of Terri's quotes on Facebook.  I was just so taken with the quote, and apparently so were many other people as Brené soon followed up with a link to Bone Sigh Arts, Terri's website. There I found a wonderful e-book full of compassion that I shared with a very dear friend of mine, desktop backgrounds of her Bone Sighs (what she calls her quotes) that now grace my laptop, and a huge number of cards, matted prints, books and other goodies featuring her Bone Sighs and her beautiful water colours, many of which I now own.  I was in heaven!!! 

It was also there that I stumbled upon Terri's blog. Terri has a way of writing what I feel.  One of the first things I do when I turn on my computer every day is read Terri's blog.  It has inspired me, made me laugh, made me cry and, at times, really made me think hard about what my values are.  When I say that Terri has inspired me, that is no small thing.  My blog is a reflection of that inspiration.  For ages now I've felt I had something to say, things I felt I wanted to share, but I really didn't think anyone would be particularly interested in my ramblings.  Somehow the openness and honesty with which Terri shares with us her day-to-day life made me realize that maybe what I had to say did matter.  And so this blog was born and, regardless of how many or how few people read it, it makes me feel good to be able to share a little bit of myself when I feel I have something to say. 

So to Terri... thank you for your love, your inspiration, your kind & caring words, and all your encouragement.  You are truly one of a kind and you make the world a better place just by being in it.  Wishing you all the love and happiness you so richly deserve  ♥♥♥

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The importance of Moms

The love of a mother is unlike any other.  It is unconditional and deeper than we will ever be able to understand.  But maybe it doesn't need to be understood, it just needs to be felt, and cherished.  It is sad when someone doesn't realize the absolute gift that this is.  I realize it, and am more grateful than words could ever express.

I am truly more fortunate than most because I have two Moms - two women that love me for who I am and see the good in me that sometimes I have trouble seeing for myself.  I have learned so much from these two wonderful women and consequently a lot of who I am is a reflection of them.  This makes me infinitely happy because I love and admire both of them; they are the best role models a person could ever hope to have and I am the luckiest girl on earth to have them!!

I love you both, so very much  ♥♥

Not alone

Yesterday I wrote about angels and how truly grateful I am to have my beautiful angels in my life.

Today I want this to serve as a reminder, to me and to anyone reading this, that regardless of whether they are physically present or not, our angels are always with us.  You see, it is not their physical presence but their love that holds us in a tight embrace, and that is always with us.  It is very easy to feel alone, even when we are surrounded by people, but because we are loved (and we all are), we are never, ever alone.  In our deepest, darkest moments it is usually difficult to remember this but when I feel this way I will come back to this place and be reminded that I have angels who love me, and that I matter.  Deep down I must know this because on my good days I truly do believe this; however, when I forget and need to be reminded I will come back to this place and remember my angels. 

Angels too can feel down and so I try to send love to my angels and hope they can feel it from me, too. 

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Angels among us

Do you believe in angels?

I so totally do.

I'm not taking about the blond-haired, winged ones we see in children's books or beautiful drawings, I'm talking about the ones that are there for us when the whole world seems to have forgotten we exist.  Sometimes they come in the form of a beautiful song that takes us away from whatever place we're at in our heads.  Other times they are the frogs that sing in the backyard and serve as a lullaby that helps us drift off to sleep.  Or they can be the sounds of the cardinals and robins that gently rouse us from our sleep and help us to greet a new day.  A writer, through their writing, can also serve as an angel for us when their book speaks to us in a way that reassures us that we're not alone in how we think or feel, or explains something we'd always wondered about ourselves.  Yes, I feel these are truly all angels among us.

There is another type of angel, one that's very close to my heart, that I feel needs mentioning all on its own, and that is the angel that comes in the form of friends.  I know in my heart that I have been sent many such angels in my life and without them I would not have gotten through many of the challenges, big and small, that life has seen fit to send my way.  Some of these beautiful angels have been with me throughout my life; some have come and gone; some are with me every day; some I only see from time to time; some are new and oh so necessary; but all of them have left their footprints on my heart.  One such angel has been hovering over me recently and has reminded me that I matter.  Sometimes we forget that we matter, we start to feel invisible, and it takes an angel such as her to nudge us and remind us that we are, indeed, important.  This angel has done just that and tonight I am feeling incredibly grateful to her for this.  If angels do exist - and I truly believe they do - then she is definitely an angel, of this there can be no question, and I am oh so lucky to have this beautiful angel in my life.   

My wish is that everyone would have the kind of angels I have been blessed with. ♥♥

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Surrounded

Today I am:

Surrounded by beauty.
Surrounded by love.
Surrounded by warmth.
Surrounded by joy.

And I am so grateful!!!

Yesterday I was reminded about the importance of surrounding myself with good people.  I was out for dinner with a couple I know, very good friends of mine, and that was when it all came back to me.  These people are so wonderful that just being around them I felt surrounded by all the things I mentioned above ♥  and it felt sooooo good!

Of course, someone I love very, very, very much also inspired me this morning with his humour ☺




Today, those feelings linger, and this is what happens when I feel this way:

To those I love... thank you ♡♡♡

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Remember This

Do not assume that he
who seeks to comfort you now,
lives untroubled among
the simple and quiet words
that sometimes do you good.
His life may also have
much sadness and difficulty,
that remains far beyond yours.
Were it otherwise,
he would never have been able
to find these words.

Wise words by Rainer Maria Rilke.

While reading Terri's blog today (something I hadn't done in a few days because I thought I wasn't in the right mood), I was led to another blog, called Carry It Forward, to a post called "I remember them..."  It was a very powerful post that really made me think.  But even more than what she said in her post, I was struck by the words in the poem she used (which I've posted above) as it was sort of what I was trying to say at the end of my last post.

I think it's important to keep these words in mind always, as we can never truly know what is going on in the hearts and minds of those around us.  We all too often assume that their lives are better than ours, easier than ours, and that they couldn't possibly understand what we are going through.  However, as Rainer Maria Rilke says, it is because they have been or are going through, their own stuff that they can understand and help us with our stuff.  Powerful words indeed.

Sad

Just feeling sad today.  For no reason, really; just am.  My hormones must really be off balance because I seem to be on higher highs and lower lows than I have been in a long while.  I know no one will read this, but it's ok.  I just need to let it out and my journal just isn't doing it for me these days.  I contemplated posting on Terri's Bone Sigh Arts forum, but then decided that that was just too much "public" for my tiny sadness.  Sometimes I feel like I just need to be heard and, even if I'm not, just putting this out there helps.  Not sure why because it makes no sense, really, why this would be of more benefit than writing in my journal.  Do I sound confused?  Yeah, I guess I am a bit. 

I realized a few things over the weekend about the people in my life and getting my needs met.  It's one of those things that I usually keep a very tight lid on.  Now I know why... because digging too deep and not being able (willing) to do anything about it just leaves me feeling drained - and sad.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe that's the cause of this heavy feeling.

It's funny, though, how I am always happy to be there for anyone anytime and I am always urging those I love to reach out to me when they're feeling blue.  However, when it's me that's feeling down I'm not so good at reaching out.  Guess I've got more work to do.

But, as they say, this too shall pass...

A Place

I have a place that I go to when the world is getting me down.

Actually, it's not just a place.  It's a place, yes, but more importantly, it's the people in the place.

I go there when I need to feel loved.  I go there when nothing makes sense - or when everything makes too much sense - and I always come away feeling calm and very, very loved.  I have been going there for years, decades even, and I never once imagined what it would be like if I couldn't go there... no, better stay away from those thoughts.  When I go there I alternately feel like a little girl (because I was a little girl when I started going there) and also very much a woman who can make her own decisions and is trusted to lead her own life.  When I go there it always feels like going home; yes, this place I go to is like my second home, even though I've never actually lived there.  When I go there I always feel welcome, and that feels so, so good.

I often wonder what I have done to deserve this enormous blessing.  Whatever it is, I am so incredibly thankful to have this place to go to... and these people to love, who love me back.

These words, from my most favourite poem by Kahlil Gibran called "Friendship", express it better than I ever could:

For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and the sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

(from The Prophet)

 ♥♥♥

 

Music

I don't know if everyone feels this way, but for me beautiful music has the power to turn my mood around completely.  Usually it's classical music but, depending on my mood, it could just as well be Rascal Flatts, Jonas, Sade, Uncle Kracker, Nickleback, or Shinedown.  Yes, my musical taste is very varied, and I think that is due to my oft-fluctuating mood.  Something that I've noticed, though, is that when I'm down I tend to need my music to be loud, regardless of the genre, almost as if I'm trying to purge the unwanted feelings with music.  I love it when my whole body reverberates to Shinedown's Simple Man, or how moved to tears I get when Pavarotti sings Caruso, what an awesomely pure voice that man had, what a gift to the world.

I am so grateful to have beautiful music in my life to help me get through the rough patches.  My wish is that everyone could feel what I feel when I listen to something as beautiful as this.

Lost

Why are some days so much more difficult than others?  It's a nice sunny day, the breeze is cool, the sun is warm, no humidity, I'm on vacation... couldn't ask for better.  And yet I'm feeling lost.  I've got a million things that I could be doing, that I should be doing, but none of them appeal to me and I just can't get up the umph to do any of them.  I know I get a lot of energy from people and being home alone probably isn't the smartest thing to be doing today but, again, I just don't have the energy to see anyone.  And it's not physical energy that I'm talking about, it's emotional energy, if that makes sense.

Not going to write too much today.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better and I'll have something more uplifting to write.

PS - I debated the value of putting this out here and then decided that maybe what I need is just to be "heard."

Life

It has a way of making me feel incredibly lucky, incredibly lonely, incredibly high, incredibly low, and sometimes, just plain incredulous.  Some days I feel so good to be alive that I almost can't stand it.  Other days I would like to just hide and forget the world.  However, it seems, life is like that.

It is in dealing with the highs and lows of my daily life that I find my biggest struggle.  Some days I can be there for the people I love and have all the energy and focus required to sit with them through their struggles.  Other days I can't even muster the energy to be there for myself.  But it's usually on days like that that life shines a ray of light at me to remind me that I'm not alone and that, when I least expect it, someone will be there for me.

I think we can never really fully know the impact we have on people.  I've come to this conclusion because I know that the people who are there for me have no idea how much good they do for me, just by being who they are.  Sometimes all it takes is a smile, a comment, a kind word, a hug, or just their presence and I am lifted out of whatever slump I find myself in.  I now realize the importance of surrounding myself with good people.  I think if everyone realized this, the world would be a much better - and happier - place.

Trust

I am humbled, yet again, by the power of trust.  When you trust someone, you can literally put your life in their hands, put down your burdens and feel supported.  When you trust someone, you feel less alone.  When you trust someone, there is hope.

When someone trusts you, well, that is a feeling unlike any other.  That, for me, is truly humbling. To be trusted by someone very special is the best feeling in the world.

Trusting life is, however, essential.  Although it's probably one of the hardest things to do, because it means you're not trying to control everything but just trusting that what will happen will be ok, it can really change everything.  I have tried it and seriously, it is worth the effort, every last bit of it.  When you trust in the flow of life, things happen just as they're supposed to, almost as if by magic.  It's as if once you let go you allow everything to unfold but when you hold on you prevent life from moving ahead.  And I'm not just talking about holding onto the past.  When you try too hard to make things happen, they don't; but when you trust in life, that's when it all comes together.  I know it might be hard to believe if you feel like you've been let down, hurt or disappointed by life, but believe me, things are a lot easier when you put your faith in the process and flow of life.  I believe that if everyone would try it, just once, they would understand what I'm talking about.  It's so liberating and so comforting that really, it's addictive. 

If there's something I'm learning on this journey I'm on, it is to be more trusting... and that's a really good thing.

Women

With so much time to myself, I tend to think a lot.  Actually, I'm currently reading a book called Women Who Think Too Much, hahaha!  But that's not the thinking I'm talking about here.  It's more the reflecting, the deep thinking-with-my-heart type of thinking, the good kind.  So I've got all this time to think and reflect and often I realize things.  I've been having so many aha! moments lately that it almost feels like I'm waking up from some deep sleep.  And maybe I am; maybe I have been living half asleep up until now.

It's amazing how much stuff comes up when you just sit and let it come.  Now you'd think this might not be a good thing but, actually, for me it's been a great thing.  These days I'm filling up my gratitude journal fast and furious, and that feels really good.  I never knew I could have so much to be grateful for.

So what does all this have to do with women?  Well, today I got to thinking about just how the women in my life inspire me.  I am blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful women.  I said to a friend once that it is from the women in our lives that we get a sense of who we are, and it's so true.  It wasn't until recently that I realized just how precious the women in my life are and how grateful I am to have each and every one of them.  Whether they are near or far, whether I see them often or seldom, whether we're in touch regularly or rarely, I treasure the connection I share with these beautiful women.  Thank you all for the wonderful energy you give me :)

Energy

I used to think I'd like to work from home... not having to get up and rush out the door, being able to listen to the birds chirping all day long, looking out over my garden when I needed a break and feeling totally refreshed.  Yeah, that would be lovely.

However, on days like today I realize just how much energy I get from working closely with people.  Today my boss, who I've worked with for the past six years, retired.  I spent the week preparing his farewell presentation, putting together a photo album of memories that the whole department signed, getting everything together, even working in secret with his lovely wife, and it all turned out perfectly.  It was such a rush!  Everyone was so willing to help, so ready with the praise and the kind words, I left today feeling truly grateful that I'd had the opportunity to do this.

And that's when it hit me... I really need the energy I get from working with all those wonderful people.  Of course it's not always positive energy but, for the most part I would say I'm truly fortunate to be working with the incredible group of people who surround me every day.  I will miss my boss, of that there can be no question, but as it has many times in the past, life will definitely put new people in my path and there will be many good times to follow.  And that is something that I am truly in awe of tonight.  Life is good :)

Living in a dreamworld is dangerous

Ok, I admit it... I'm a dreamer.  I believe that everything can be perfect, as perfect as I see it in my daydreams.  Oh I can get lost for hours, even days, in some hope or dream (otherwise known as my current obsession) and make it seem so real, so perfectly real, that I expect it to actually happen.  It feels soooo good to follow that dream up a hill, inventing scenarios, playing them out over and over in my mind, perfecting them until I know that this time it will happen!  But... and yes, there's always a but... when I get to the top of that hill and look out over *shudder* r-e-a-l-i-t-y, that's when the bubble bursts and, to borrow a phrase from a dear friend, disappointment happens. 

And that is the danger of living in a dreamworld... oh it might feel good for a while, very good even, but if I take it too far, inevitably things don't turn out like I'd "planned."

So, the question is, how do I hope and dream without getting lost in the inevitable reverie that has me crashing down into disappointment?  I would like to believe that if I want something enough and if I plan it out I can actually make it happen.  Unfortunately I think there are always more variables than those I anticipate, things outside of my control, that prevent my beautiful dreams from being anything but that - just dreams.

I wonder... all this talk about living in the moment, being mindful, and just sticking with what's happening in the present, could that ever become as enjoyable as my wonderful daydreams?  I think it might be worth a serious try... stay tuned and I'll let you know how it turns out ;)

A Witness

How difficult it is to be a witness to someone's pain, someone's suffering, someone's struggle... especially when that someone is someone very special.

We each have our own path to follow and we can only do things in our own time; I know this, but knowing this doesn't always help.  Truly sometimes I feel helpless...

But this is when I try to take a step back.  It's not a big step, because that's very difficult, but just a tiny one.  And you know what?  That's when I see that maybe being a witness has its good side as well.  Because I'm not only a witness to the difficult parts; I'm also a witness to the goodness, and the beauty that shines out from underneath.

Yeah, now that I think about it I kinda like being a witness... it gives me an insight that I wouldn't otherwise have.  And it means that that someone who is very special has let me in close enough that I am right there if she needs me.    Being a witness is, indeed, a good thing.

Inspirations

In wondering how to start off this new blog of mine, (I have another one, but it's in Spanish), I thought of my sources of inspiration and the first thing that came to mind were the people that surround me... 

People - family, friends, those close and far away, co-workers - they all inspire me.  I am surrounded by the most wonderful souls and for that I feel truly grateful.  They are, indeed, my sources of gratitude as well as my sources of inspiration.  Some of these people I have known my whole life but it is only as I grow older that I have learned to cherish them.  Others are new in my life and they bring such joy.  Some I only know through e-mail, or blogs, or books I've read of theirs, but they are no less inspirational, and just as special.  Yes, it is the wonderful people who surround me that are my greatest sources of inspiration.

Music - classical, latin, inspirational, jazz, instrumental - all create different moods in me and all inspire me.  Lately I've been listening to some awesome music: Melody Gardot, whose voice I adore; Bosques de Mi Mente, whose gentle piano never fails to provoke such exquisite feelings of love and peace in me; Rascal Flatts whose lyrics have a way of heading straight to my heart; Stephan Moccio, whose beautiful piano has the power to carry me away, no matter what mood I'm in; all these and many more serve as my constant inspiration.

Books - here I could go on forever.  So many books have influenced me recently, have inspired me to look deep within, have shown me that my little world is not all there is, and have offered me such comfort.  I find myself on a journey, and with each book I read the journey twists and turns, taking me to places I've never even imagined.  The ones listed on my profile are those that have inspired me the most recently... truly awesome books!

So why have I chosen to tell about my sources of inspiration?  Well, hopefully others will find inspiration in these things as well.  But it's also to pay homage to these awesome sources of inspiration.  Truly, I am blessed :)